Children deserve to be children. That means to play, imagine, be carefree, open, pursue their own education and interests and not have to be caught up in adult life crises. It is the adult parents' primary responsibility at the time of divorce to put the needs of the child first.
There has been much research into how divorce affects children. Any research finding, even with statistical significance can always be argued due to bias, or methodology.
I have been working with children and families since 1972 when I first began my career as a Guidance Counselor in an Elementary school system. My 30 years of experience has shown me beyond a doubt that the level of harm caused to children of divorce is directly related to their unique experience of the stress of the divorce, especially the stress of parental hostility and/or the ongoing litigation of their parents.
That is, the more stability, continuity, security, love, and lack of stress factors children experience during the immediate transition and afterward, the greater will be their resiliency and their ability to thrive in spite of this life crisis experience (This holds true for the emotional resilience of the parents as well!) The more instability, conflict, abandonment, confusion, and other stress factors children experience, the more they will be weakened in their natural growth process toward healthy maturity and less able to deal with future stress.
I believe that one of the most important factor in determining the overall stress the child may experience in divorce is directly related to the amount of peace and cooperation they experience from their parents.
Separation/divorce is one of the most stressful life crisis events for everyone in the family, but children (like plants) are still in the process of early development, so they are most at risk during periods of intense stress.
1) Children deserve to love and respect both parents.
2) Children should not have to "take care" of their parents' emotional needs through divorce, but should be the first area of concern for divorcing parents.
3) Children need to be protected from harm and prioritized during the divorce process.
4) Most people single, married, or separated, need help with Parenting. It follows that divorcing or high-conflict divorcing partners especially need some help with parenting since they themselves are experiencing extra levels of stress and are not "experts" in this area.
The task of parenting is the most important task we have as human beings, and yet we are not even giving classes in this topic in High School. If you want to make a difference in the world right now, attend a meeting of your local school board and insist that Parenting classes be mandated as part of the curriculum. Many High School students will go no farther in the community educational system that that, and shouldn't leave without some rudimentary basic principals of good parenting.
1) Help the couple separate and divorce without negative emotional issues and contested financial issues coming ahead of the best welfare of the children.
2) Provide guidance on healthy child growth and development.
3) Help the couple work together when necessary to
provide clear, unified messages abut their values,
goals, and dreams for their child.
4) Preserve each parent's ability to have a satisfying comfort
level in the other parent's presence while sharing and experiencing the joys of their child's growth and life event experiences over the child's lifespan.
5) Create a safe atmosphere to discuss the above when
necessary.
In the majority of my cases, I have already begun the work by seeing the couple in the marriage counseling stage. Since we've already developed a "connection," I'm in an ideal position to work with them both together on the next stage of the separation process. The couple works collaboratively on issues such as how to tell the children, to minimize disruption for the children during the transitional period, how to begin to think about custody issues, and how to explore options together. This process keeps decisions about their child in their own power, rather than in the hands of the legal system, which is extremely costly, and much more emotionally stressful on each member of the family. Again, the underlying focus is how to best put the childrens' needs first in continuing with the divorce process.
If I haven't worked with the couple before, I will typically see each person individually, to attempt to develop a connection and to assess whether I feel s/he is "workable." By "workable," I mean able to use the therapy model to be open and honest about feelings, to show the ability to have empathy with another person, and to follow through on agreements or recommendations.
Then I continue to work with them either individually or together. The main goals of the process are clearly stated with 1) the childrens' welfare continually prioritized, and 2) with an agreement to be wary of communication breaking down that could lead to court/legal involvement.
